i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
