In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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