my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
