Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
