One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
