She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
