My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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