just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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