It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
