I could make wine with my vomit
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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