I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
