hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
