I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
