Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
