Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
