I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
