FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
