Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
