I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
