my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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