As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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