Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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