ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
