You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
