my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize