Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
