Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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