i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
