We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize