If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
