Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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