Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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