the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
