It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
