went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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