I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
