Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
