Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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