Are my feet made of real feet?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
