I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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