someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize