Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
