I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
