My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
