This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
