I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
