Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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