I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
