if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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