I wish my penis had an off switch
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
