omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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