Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
