i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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